I used to think that the scariest day of my life was the day that I found out my father died. When he died, I instantly became the leader of a family who needed help. It was a role I never wanted but had to accept. Recently I found out that I was wrong. That was not the scariest day of my life. The scariest day of my life was this past Friday, September 11th, 2020. That morning I had my first anxiety attack and I lost control for however long it lasted. I scared my son who was sleeping in his room because it happened that morning.
I don’t remember much of what happened during the attack. Only flashes of mere seconds of things that I did or said. Only what my son revealed to me after it was over. I have never been so out of control of myself before and it was beyond surreal. I didn’t hurt anyone. And I didn’t hurt myself. I was unable to go to work that day and my head felt weird from that moment forward. It still does as I write this. I woke up Saturday morning feeling okay but extremely fatigued to the point where I had to reschedule an appointment for a mammogram yesterday. I had no energy whatsoever. By evening I was inflicted with nausea and bloating that caused bad things to come out of both ends. All that accompanied with hot flashes and the chills. Today I am feeling a lot better but still fatigued and my son is helping me with cleaning the apartment. In fact, he cleaned everything.
Lately, I have been dealing with a big decision that I have to make and it concerns people that I love and care about very deeply. It’s the hardest decision that I have ever had to make and I have to make it before September ends. I don’t want to give too much detail on what it is I’m up against but I just want to say that for those who are suffering from depression and anxiety, you have to slow down and not allow ongoing problems to get to you. A person can only handle so much. I am a strong person but I am not invincible.
Sometimes in life problems become so much to handle that you can’t deal with it and your mind just snaps. My son said that I didn’t even know what day it was and kept repeating the words “I’m scared!” And you know what? I don’t even remember saying it. I was like this for a matter of minutes and then laid down for a while and gradually started coming back to myself. I wasn’t able to remember most of what happened and that scared the hell out of me. I’ve underestimated just how much stress and pressure I can take and I crashed.
Sometimes we need to stop and take care of ourselves before we can take care of other problems. Even if there isn’t much time. We have to do it. What good are we if we kill ourselves trying? We are not superhuman no matter how much we wish we could be. 2020 has proven to be one of the most challenging years the world has ever seen and I’m sure there are more challenges to come. For all of us. Over the weekend I found out that more people care about me than I thought and are trying to be there for me. Everyone needs a cheering section and nobody can deal with life alone.
I don’t take any medication for depression and anxiety because for me it is more situational and not clinical. When there is nothing bad going on in my life I feel just fine and I am happy. But when things do happen that threaten to push me to the brink of insanity (which is rare), it’s time to recognize that I can’t handle certain things, at least not alone. Sometimes though we don’t have a choice and we have to move forward whether there’s anyone to help us or not. That is when faith in God gets tested. But I still have faith in him. He has never let me down.
I am doing okay today and still have not solved my problem yet. But at least now I know what anxiety can do to me if I let it. I plan to take better care of myself and watch out for warning signs of a possible meltdown. Mental illness has come full circle and I am deeply aware now. Yet I am only human and life must go on. my family must go on, the book must go on, work must go on and I must go on…
Until next time…