Staying Focused

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Hey there everyone. I have never spoken about this publicly before but now seems like as good a time as any. I have been losing a lot of sleep over the past year and have been very tired and having a difficult time staying focused. Most of you who know what I’ve been going through probably think that it’s because My boyfriend and I have broken up, or because my father died. But no, it’s because my mother has severe Dementia.

My mother and I have always been very close, so ever since she got older; I have always had a deep fear of losing her. Knowing that these are our last years together is the most soul-crushing feeling that I have ever experienced. Since the recent passing of my father, she has gotten considerably worse. There are times when I can’t even carry on a normal conversation with her because of her psychosis. It is easier for her to believe that my father has left her for another woman than to accept the fact that he has died. It is very hard for me to hear this because my father has been with my mother since she was seventeen-years-old and has never ever cheated on her. My parents were the loves of each other’s lives and have always been 100% devoted to each other and our family.

My mother has lost so much weight that even the smallest sizes of clothing are too big for her. She is neglecting herself and her hygiene and is very lonely without my dad. It’s heartbreaking to see. Her safety and wellbeing have consumed me to the point of almost not caring about writing these days. The current novel series that I have been working on has been going very slowly in its progression as my own health has begun to suffer. Mostly due to a lack of sleep. Don’t worry, I am okay. But just very fatigued. I am not my mother’s caregiver and I don’t live with her, but I do what I can when I am not at work. My older brother is taking care of her because he is disabled and no longer works for a living so he lives with her and has the time to take care of her, but he is limited to what he can do for her. Therefore, I worry a lot about my mother. I have been working diligently to prepare for getting Medicaid for her so that she can receive In-Home (Non- Medical) healthcare and I have been told that it will be an uphill battle. I refused to put her in a nursing home, not with the poor way that they are being run these days. My mother would be much happier in her own home and near her family.

The new novel is still in progress, it’s just about to go through some changes. Sometimes better ideas come as you write and it’s okay to make changes if you like just as long as you’re still telling the same story. Or if one must scrap the whole project, that is okay too. But luckily it hasn’t come to that. The reason that I continue to write this book despite the issues that I have been having, is because it is the one thing that keeps me going. Writing is the only thing that keeps me wanting to keep living and moving forward. 2019 started out pretty rough but I am determined to see to it that whatever needs to be fixed in my life, gets fixed. My faith in God has kept me from going off the deep end and although I have fallen into a dark place in recent months, I had the strength to get out of it. Pain is not eternal, and we always have a choice to either wallow in it or stand up and fight.

 I choose to stand up and fight.

If anyone of you has prayed for me, thank you for that. I really appreciate it. Don’t worry the book will get finished, it’s just going to take some time. Thanks for your patience and prayers.

Until next time…

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