Looking Within

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Today is a difficult day. It is my father’s birthday. He would have been 88 years- old today. As some of you who know me on Twitter, my father died on New Years Eve morning and we just had the funeral and burial this past Friday. You know how you never know how much you love someone…until they are gone? Well, that’s what I’m feeling. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life and the pain was doubled by another loss. The day that I found out that my father was dying, my longtime boyfriend ended our relationship. I will not discuss him because it’s personal, but the pain is indescribable. If you’ve ever felt like you were trapped in a nightmare and couldn’t get out, that’s pretty much what it feels like. But alas life must go on…right?

Love is a funny thing. Sometimes it can feel good and sometimes it can feel incredibly bad. When you have it at your grasp and it’s growing right before your eyes, it is the most beautiful thing to watch and to share with another person who feels the same way about you. Even another lover or even death couldn’t destroy it completely. Someone once said that “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I completely disagree with that statement. I have had many moments in my life when I didn’t have a man in my life and I was perfectly fine on my own but then along comes the one person who makes you break your no more men rule. Then everything changes.

You start believing in things again, you start having faith, and suddenly the future looks bright and a little less lonely. You start making plans and sharing and caring and it seems as if maybe just maybe you can finally be happy for more than just five minutes. Until reality sets in and your partner decides that it’s time to end things. What then? What do you do after you’ve finished crying your eyes out and cutting the heads off all their photos and wishing that they could feel the same pain that they inflicted on you? What do you do? You stop, and you accept it. You learn to adapt somehow. It’s going to take some time but if you’re lucky, you’ll get hit by a truck tomorrow. That was a little joke. Suicide is never the answer but living your life the best way you can is. Stay busy because it cuts down the time spent thinking about your lost partner. Do everything that makes you happy, watch funny movies, read great literature, don’t go listening to love songs or songs about breaking up or you’ll find yourself right back on the woe is me train. And that’s a place that’s very hard to get away from.

Depression is something that I feel often. I think it started when I was in College and listened to my first Pink Floyd album. The Wall was some powerful shit. What can I say? I was transitioning into adulthood and it’s been hard ever since. If it wasn’t for writing I will be honest with you, I would be dead right now. Because I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger a long time ago. But my father taught me to be a soldier like he was. He was all about tough love. He never even told me he loved me until he knew he was going to die soon. And you know what? That’s when I knew it was the end too. We had a very turbulent relationship over the years but when death is knocking on your door, all that shit goes right out the fucking window. I don’t care what he said or what he did anymore. Now he’s gone, and I have to deal with all the time we spent disagreeing with each other, arguing, staying away just to keep the peace. The guilt is eating me alive but that’s something I have to deal with in my own way.

If there is somebody in your life that you love, don’t let fighting and disagreements and pent up anger keep you apart too long because life is so damn short. Just when you think you are always going to have time to fix things, that’s when life kicks in and takes them away permanently. Then you’re left with no chance to ever make amends. Luckily my dad and I were not on bad terms when he died. Because I knew his time was getting shorter and I didn’t want to do anything that would make it hard to say goodbye.

Goodbye is a word that people don’t say too often anymore when they leave. I guess it’s because it sounds so damn final. I normally don’t get this personal in my Blogs, but this was therapy for me. Truly it was. Thanks for reading.

Until next time…