Second Guessing Myself

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Hey there, hope everyone had a productive week. I was sick all last week and felt miserable but I am doing better now and ready to start the new week. Despite being sick I am amazed that I still managed to work on my novel called “The Sacrifice.” This title is subject to change over the next few months. You guys know how I am. Never satisfied with anything that I do. I’ve been like this my entire life and unfortunately, it sometimes brings another problem.

Every now and then I tend to start second guessing my ability to write. The reason why is because I read other people’s novels and it sounds so great and I tell myself that I want to have my words flow like that. My grasp of the English language is not up to par and sometimes I make a lot of mistakes that Grammarly doesn’t always catch. I am so self-conscious of my mistakes that I often find myself editing as I write and I read that you shouldn’t do that but it’s hard for me to ignore my own mistakes when they stand out so much like a red flag waving in my face shouting “Yoo hoo! I need correcting here!” But alas I give in like a lapdog trying to give myself instant gratification just to prove to myself that I can do this.

I know deep in my soul that I am nowhere near as bad a writer as I think I am but I have never professed to be a great writer and probably never will, but writing is what I do. I feel as though I cannot live without it. I was meant to do this and I don’t care how many people say my writing sucks or that I should give it up. (No one has ever said that to me before.) I will continue to write and the reason why is because I love it. I love it more than anything and believe it or not I have given up a few times but it won’t let me. It always calls me back like a jilted lover that’s trying to convince me that we are in love whether I want to be or not. I can’t fight it and it’s bigger than both of us.

Writing has always been my first love and my greatest challenge. Sometimes while writing I get into a groove that just feels so perfect and my words do flow off the page and sound readable. This is that incredible moment when you stop writing the story and the story takes over and begins writing itself. Those moments don’t come every day, but wow when they do. It’s magical. I long for those moments every time I write. And it’s downright disappointing when it doesn’t happen. And then comes self-doubt rearing its ugly head getting in your face and shouting “Give it up, you suck!” But when that happens I take a break from it all. A nice short break and I do other things. I’ll do things that will motivate me to start writing again like reading or watching movies, reading articles about writing and then I stop and get back to work. Even when I’m not writing, I’m thinking about writing. You can’t quit once the story has begun. If you do, you may never get back to it. I’ve started at least three stories this year that I couldn’t finish and I’m trying not to let the same thing happen this time. I am my worst critic and I’m probably harder on myself than anyone else. But I can do that because it’s me.

The book I’m working on now is a challenge because the idea came from a nightmare that I had a few months ago, I don’t usually turn my nightmares into stories but this one was so intriguing that I just had to elaborate and find out what it meant. So far, I’m glad that I didn’t stop writing it because it’s turning into more than what I hoped it would be. I can’t wait until the day comes when I can tell you all that the book is finished. Every Author looks forward to that day. But until then I will keep trying to make this story good and worthy enough of being read. Until next time…